


Life on Tracy Island

by Inyri



Category: Thunderbirds
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Family, Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-22 12:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2507600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inyri/pseuds/Inyri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of one-shot crack fics featuring the illustrious members of International Rescue and Ned Cook.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Day in the Life

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Please note that this is crack fic. That means that it's satirical and not to be taken seriously. The characters are purposefully slightly out-of-character and the situations are ridiculous. It is meant to be 100% entertainment. I absolutely ADORE Thunderbirds and this is written out of love, not to mock the series. If you'd like something a bit more serious, check out my Thunderbirds Drabbles. I also hope to write more serious (and longer) fics in the future because I really do love this series.
> 
> A/N: Hello to the Thunderbirds fandom! This is my first try for TB and it's totally ridiculous. I just love the series so much and my beta prompted me to write some crack!fic. So, here you go! Please don't take any of it seriously. Also, feel free to send me prompts and let me know what you like.
> 
> I've included two established pairings in this series: Scott/Ned Cook (lovingly referred to as NOTT) and Lady Penelope/Tin-Tin. I don't personally ship NOTT, but I think it's fun, so I've included it in this series.
> 
> I dedicate this series to my awesome beta, that-feminist-soprano.tumblr.com

International Rescue was between missions and Tracy Island was the epitome of tranquility, serene as the calm ocean that surrounded it. Virgil sat in the lounge, happily reading a magazine, when the sound of shouting interrupted the idyllic scene. It started in Jeff's study and traveled toward the lounge. Virgil kept in a noise of disappointment at having his quiet time disturbed.

"Absolutely not!" Jeff said, his heavy eyebrows drawn together in annoyance. Virgil thought that his father looked like he was on the verge of going nuclear and he wondered what had spurred his mood. Scott came in next, shouting back, 

"I'm taking Thunderbird One to visit Ned and there's nothing you can do about it!" Scott's fists were curled in frustration at his sides. Jeff looked away from Scott, covering his eyes with a hand for a moment and Virgil _knew_ that Scott was doomed. 

Jeff opened his eyes and focused his gaze on Scott once more. Then, he exploded. 

"Scott, you are not blowing our cover for THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE. If you dare take Thunderbird One _anywhere_ , you are _grounded_ for a month!" 

"Fine!" Scott shot back. "Ground me! Ned is worth it!" 

Right then, Gordon appeared in the lounge, drawn by the sound of raised voices. 

"Hey, what's going on in here?" he asked. "Do I get to go on a mission?" 

"No, you do not," Jeff answered, turning his fury on the younger brother. "Your brother is attempting to hijack Thunderbird One to visit his obnoxious boyfriend." 

Scott threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. 

"Does _no one_ like Ned?" he asked. 

There was silence. 

" _Fine_ ," Scott said, "I'm going!" 

"What?" Gordon asked, back in the conversation. "No fair! Scott always gets to do everything." 

Jeff opened his mouth to respond, but before he could say anything, Alan's voice broke in. 

" _Daaaaaaaaad!_ " 

He was obviously down the corridor, but the increasing volume of his voice and the sound of fast footfalls told the men that he was approaching the lounge. 

"In here, son!" Jeff called back unnecessarily. 

Alan nearly fell through the doorway, breathing hard. His fair complexion was beet red. 

"What is it, Al?" Gordon asked, his curiosity obvious. 

"It's Tin-Tin!" Alan answered, still trying to catch his breath. 

"What now?" Jeff asked and Scott rolled his eyes. Alan gave his brother a look and then turned back to his father, saying, 

"Dad, could you _please_ tell Tin-Tin to keep her personal activities to her room? This is the third time this week I walked in on her and Penny making out in the billiard room." 

Suddenly the cause of Alan's flushed face was clear to the other men. But Jeff had other priorities. 

"Penny is on the island?!" he asked, looking around at his sons. "And no one told me?" 

An expression of disappointment joined his anger and he added, 

"You're all grounded!" 

"But Dad!" Scott whined. "Ned! I haven't seen him in _three_ days!" 

"And Tin-Tin!" Alan added. "Is she being punished, too?" 

Jeff shook his head. 

"Tin-Tin can do whatever she likes wherever she likes," he said. "She's the only one who knows how to make my coffee and if I punish her, I'll be without it for a while. You don't know how spiteful she can be." 

The brothers looked at each other at this comment, wondering if their father was finally cracking up. 

"And as for Ned," Jeff continued, "he can go a few more days without you, Scott." Then, with an air of finality, he ordered, "Everyone to their rooms, now." 

Jeff's voice left no room for argument, so the boys reluctantly trudged toward their rooms. That is, everyone but Virgil. He headed toward his room with a spring in his step, glad to finally be alone with some peace and quiet.


	2. Jeff Just Wants Some Coffee and Quiet

Jeff sat at his desk in the lounge, reading an important report from his Berlin agent. It was that middle of the day time when he got a bit sleepy and he felt his eyes getting heavy as he read through the agent’s highly-detailed writing. He knew it was time for his usual cup of coffee to perk him up.

“Tin-Tin!” he called, hoping the girl was nearby. He waited a moment, then called again, “Tin-Tin!” 

Virgil walked in instead, asking, 

“Everything alright, Father? Did you need something?” 

“I was just looking for Tin-Tin,” Jeff explained. “I wanted some coffee.” 

“Well, I can make you some,” Virgil offered. 

“No, that’s ok,” Jeff said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I’ll just go back to my work.” 

“Whatever you say,” Virgil said, wandering away and shaking his head at his father’s confusing behavior. 

Jeff resigned himself to waiting for coffee and settled back into reading the report. When the sound of his named being called from some other part of the house broke his concentration, he looked up. 

“ _Daaaaaaaaad!_ ” 

The whiny tenor unmistakably belonged to Alan. A moment later, the voice’s owner stepped into the lounge, rushing to Jeff’s desk. 

“How many times must I ask you, Alan?” Jeff said sternly, returning his gaze to his work. “There is no yelling in the house. Go outside if you must do that. Now, what do you want?” 

“Can I go up to Five a week early?” 

Alan’s request surprised Jeff. Now he gave his son his full attention, looking up from the report and taking off his glasses. 

“This is unusual for you,” Jeff said. “You always hate leaving the island. What’s going on?” 

“NOTHING,” Alan said quickly. “I just owe John a favor.” 

Jeff leaned forward, suspicion in his tone as he said, 

“Don’t lie to me, son. Why do you really want to leave early?” 

Alan let out a groan of defeat, his shoulders falling, and he answered, 

“FINE. It’s Scott and Ned. They’re _so annoying_ with their mushy love talk. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Penny is visiting again and I am always the one who finds her and Tin-Tin—“ 

“Penny’s on the island and no one told me?!?” Jeff interrupted. “You’re grounded.” 

Jeff thought about his decision and realized that he was now desperate for some peace. He considered, then said, 

“No, I change my mind. You’re going to Five to replace your brother right now.” 

“THANK GOD,” Alan shouted, then remembering his father’s lecture from before, he lowered his voice and said, “Thanks, Dad. See you in a month!” 

Alan raced from the room, leaving Jeff to shake his head. 

“These darn kids don’t tell me anything anymore,” he said to himself. 

He went back to his reading, reveling in the newly-recovered silence. Then, Scott, Gordon, and Penny ambled into the lounge. 

“Scott,” Penny was saying in her breathy, refined voice, “who is your new friend?” Gordon snorted, saying, 

“Don’t get him started.” 

“No, I’m glad you asked,” Scott put in as they all took a seat. Jeff noticed this and was about to ask them to kindly leave when Scott continued to Penny, “I’m glad you’ve taken long enough of a break from spending time with Tin-Tin to notice my boyfriend.” 

“Well,” Penny answered in her defense, “Tin-Tin is very lovely.” 

The moment Tin-Tin’s name left Penny’s lips, the girl herself appeared in the lounge doorway. 

“Did someone call me?” she asked. 

Jeff’s jaw dropped as he realized that his manly shout for Tin-Tin a moment before hadn’t worked, but Penny’s soft mention of the girl had brought her running. Penny turned at her girlfriend’s entrance and said, 

“Oh, hello again, darling.” She gestured for Tin-Tin to sit beside her on the couch and Jeff knew that asking them to leave was officially no longer an option. But, just maybe he’d get some coffee out of the situation. 

Scott took the break in the women’s conversation to continue, 

“So, to answer your question—HEY, are you even listening to me?” 

Penny, in fact, was not listening. She and Tin-Tin had resumed their PDA and Scott’s words fell on deaf ears. Jeff gave up on his brief hope of coffee and Gordon started to laugh at the annoyed look on Scott’s face. Right at that moment, Alan’s portrait lit up. 

Jeff put down his report and reading glasses with a sigh, answering Alan’s call, 

“Yes, Alan?” 

“I’m just requesting clearance—What’s going on over there? Oh, NO WAY! I give up.” 

Jeff turned to see that Alan was objecting to the PDA occurring in the room, which was right in his line of sight. 

“Have a good trip, son,” Jeff said and cut off the link before Alan could get another word in. He stood from his desk, picking up the report and his glasses. 

“I’ll be in my study,” he announced. “Will one of you ask Tin-Tin to bring me a coffee when she has a moment?” 

“Sure, Dad!” Gordon answered cheekily. 

“I miss Ned,” Scott sulked. 

“Oh, Scott,” Tin-Tin said gently, leaning on Penny, “Ned will be awake from his nap soon, I’m sure. Jetlag is difficult for some people.” 

“Yeah,” Gordon said, slapping his brother on the shoulder. “I’m sure you’ll survive until then.” 

Scott let his face fall into his hands. 

“I’m just not sure,” he moaned. 

Penny shook her head, saying, 

“Boys.” 

Tin-Tin nodded her agreement before turning back to Penny to continue their snogfest.


	3. Thanksgiving

Holidays were always the best of times on Tracy Island. Everyone was cheerful and relieved to have some festive time to themselves. 

Thunderbird Three had just landed, bringing the last member of International Rescue home for the holiday. 

“It’s good to be home,” John said as he settled onto the couch in the lounge, a newly opened beer in his hand. Just as he took his first glorious sip of the drink he’d missed so much while up on Five, Scott came into the room with Ned. 

“Hey, John!” Scott said. “You have to meet my new boyfriend, Ned.” 

“HEY,” Ned said and John squinted involuntarily at the man’s grating voice. 

“Um, Scott, did you clear this with Dad?” John tipped his beer in Ned’s direction to indicate his meaning. 

“Of course,” Scott said, crossing his arms to show his offense. 

“Which means you didn’t,” John said. He took a swig of his drink, gearing up for the impending fight when Jeff found out that Ned was on the Island for Thanksgiving. 

“But aren’t you excited for me?” Scott asked. Gordon walked into the lounge as Scott continued, “Ned is my _boyfriend_. And he’s the most famous and most amazing reporter in the whole world!” 

“Oh, yes!” Gordon said sarcastically and Scott shot him a look, only then noticing his entrance. Gordon ignored Scott’s look, turning to his other brother instead and saying, 

“John, you should have seen Scott when he first rescued Ned. It went a little like this…” 

“Not this again!” Scott interjected. But Gordon continued anyway, putting a hand on his chest and saying in a dreamy voice, 

“I just rescued the most beautiful and successful man alive. I’m beside myself!” Then Gordon fell onto the couch dramatically and John burst out into uncontrollable laughter, nearly spilling his beer in the process. 

“I did _not_ do that!” Scott insisted. 

“I can totally picture that!” John said between bouts of laughter. Gordon stood from the couch and continued his story: 

“And then I said, ‘Scott, get a grip. Of all the gorgeous men who you’ve rescued and who have openly flirted with you, you have to choose THE MOST ANNOYING ONE POSSIBLE. Why.’” 

“Yeah, seriously Scott,” John put in. 

“I’M NOT ANNOYING,” Ned said. 

“Yeah, you’re just being mean,” Scott said, putting an arm around Ned’s shoulders. 

“If by ‘being mean,’ you mean ‘telling the truth,’ then yes,” Gordon answered. 

“I give up!” Scott said, throwing up his hands. “Come on, Ned. Let’s go take a swim while my brothers learn how to GROW UP.” 

“OK,” Ned said and they left the lounge, Scott in a huff and Ned looking a bit lost. Jeff passed them on their way out and turned to his other sons, asking, 

“Was that Ned?” 

Gordon and John just nodded. 

“Oh, and hello, John,” Jeff continued. “Feels like I haven’t seen you in ages.” 

“It’s because he’s been hiding in his Introvert Cave in the Sky,” Gordon commented. 

“Wasn’t my choice to strand myself in space,” John replied, “but I really don’t mind escaping the chaos of the Island.” 

“Nerd,” Gordon said and stole John’s beer. 

“Hey, don’t even think about it,” John said, reaching across the couch to reclaim his drink from his brother. 

“Boys, it’s Thanksgiving,” Jeff said. “This is no time for fighting.” 

“I thought that Christmas was ‘no time for fighting’?” Gordon said. In his distraction, John took the opportunity to take his drink back. 

“No, you’re thinking of Flag Day,” John joked. Gordon hit John on the back of the head and then changed the subject. 

“Hey, Dad,” he began, “since I don’t want to get grounded for the umpteenth time, I think I should tell you that Penny is back on the Island.” 

“Finally you boys are getting the idea!” Jeff said in triumph. “Thank you, Gordon. Now I don’t have to run into Penny _in my own house_ and look like an idiot. I swear, Tin-Tin is almost as sneaky as Penny.” 

The boys looked at him in shock, unable to process the words “sneaky” and “Tin-Tin” in the same sentence. But Jeff was oblivious to their looks. He said, 

“Anyway, we should all get ready for dinner. I’m sure Kyrano and Grandma have outdone themselves once again.” 

“Ok, you do that Dad,” Gordon said, looking to get rid of him. 

Jeff looked proudly at his two sons and then left the room. Gordon and John looked at each other and said simultaneously, 

“Beer?” 

“We’re gonna need it,” Gordon commented. 

They sprinted to the kitchen to grab their drinks before they were inevitably called to the table. 

The dinner table was nearly overloaded with food when the members of International Rescue sat down. But before they ate, Jeff fulfilled his Thanksgiving tradition and named all the things he was thankful for. 

“And I’m thankful for my five boys who—“ 

Scott interrupted his father, chiming in, 

“And Ned! Don’t forget about Ned!” 

Gordon turned to his brother and retorted, 

“How can we possibly forget about him when you won’t stop talking about him?” 

“And not to mention,” John piped in, “that he’s sitting right here at the table for goodness sake.” 

“Speaking of being at the table with us,” Alan started, “has anyone seen Tin-Tin? Shouldn’t we wait for her?” 

“Now that you mention it,” Virgil put in, “Penelope isn’t here either.” 

“Mystery solved!” Gordon shouted and Jeff shot him a disapproving look for yelling at the table. Alan sulked as John said, 

“Well, Dad, you might as well get on with your speech. There’s no use waiting for those two.” 

“Alright,” Jeff conceded. “Well, again, I’m thankful for my five boys…” 

Scott cleared his throat. 

“And Ned,” Jeff added reluctantly. “And the girls, wherever they may be.” 

“Here here!” Gordon said, raising his glass. “And may I go on more missions this year!” 

“And may there be less drama!” John added, lifting his glass to clink with his brother. 

“This is Thanksgiving,” Scott said petulantly, rolling his eyes, “not your Christmas list.” 

“Well, in that case,” Gordon replied, “I’d like to add a few things to my list. One, that Penny and Tin-Tin stay together forever and two, that Ned would get on the next—“ 

“That’s quite enough, Gordon,” Jeff interjected. “Thanksgiving is no time for fighting.” 

“Fine,” Gordon conceded. “Then, less talking and more eating.” 

“Here here!” John agreed. 

“But what about Penelope and Tin-Tin?” Virgil asked as everyone began filling up their plates. 

“Did someone call me?” Tin-Tin asked, appearing at the door. Jeff shook his head, wondering if everyone had a secret way to call Tin-Tin that he didn’t know about. He decided that he’d have to investigate this phenomenon. 

“Oh, you’ve started,” Penny said, stepping into the room after Tin-Tin. “I apologize for our tardiness. Tin-Tin just couldn’t decide between ‘Rosy Afternoon’ and ‘Spring Rose’ for her fingernails.” 

“They may look identical to the untrained eye,” Tin-Tin defended herself, “but they are completely different.” 

“No harm done,” Jeff assured them, smiling at Penny and gesturing for her to sit. “Now, the gang’s all here and it’s a real Thanksgiving.” There was the barest glimmer of a tear in Jeff’s left eye. 

“GOD BLESS US, EVERY ONE,” Ned said. 

“Shut up, Ned,” John and Gordon said simultaneously. 

“Wrong holiday,” Jeff muttered under his breath. Aloud, he said, “But Thanksgiving is no time for fighting. I’ll let that one pass, Ned, which is something that you should be thankful for.” 

“THANKS, DAD,” Ned replied. 

“It’s Mr. Tracy to you, Ned,” Jeff said, obviously fighting hard to keep his voice even. 

“OK, DAD.” 

“Scott,” Jeff said seriously, turning to his oldest son. “Take control of your boyfriend or you’re grounded.” 

“Yes, Dad,” Scott answered. 

“SORRY, DAD,” Ned added. At once, all the boys replied, 

“Shut up, Ned!”


	4. A Good Birthday After All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Birthday" from that-feminist-soprano.tumblr.com

Jeff, who had a reputation to uphold, always pretended to not care about his birthday. But, in actuality, he loved it and looked forward to it in an almost childlike fashion. This year was no different. 

The whole team (with the exception of John, who was on Five, and Brains, who was locked in his lab) was in the lounge, gathered to watch Jeff open his presents. 

“Thank you, Penny, for the entire new wardrobe,” Jeff said, putting down the seventh box of clothes that he’d received from the aristocrat. “You didn’t have to.” 

Penny inclined her head politely and said, 

“Oh, but Jeff, I did.” 

Tin-Tin, Penny, and Virgil shared a look of understanding that went completely over Jeff’s head. 

“Well, thank you,” he said again, pushing the boxes to the side as Kyrano gathered up the discarded wrapping paper. 

“Dad, open my gift next!” Scott said. “It’s from Ned, too. We worked on it together.” Ned sat beside him on the couch and Scott took his boyfriend’s hand. 

“Alright,” Jeff said, picking up the gift bag that Scott gestured to with his free hand. Jeff reached through the tissue paper and pulled out a photo album. “Oh, a photo album…filled with pictures of you and Ned…” 

“I knew you’d love it!” Scott said and Gordon rolled his eyes, wishing John was there to commiserate with him. 

“Uh, thanks boys,” Jeff said, setting down the book. 

“YOU’RE WELCOME, DAD,” Ned said. 

“Mr. Tracy,” Jeff reminded him. 

“OK, DAD,” Ned answered, unphased. Jeff shot his oldest son a look and Gordon said, almost knowingly, 

“Why don’t you open up Virgil’s gift now?” 

Gordon, sitting beside Virgil, elbowed the artist, who paled a bit and seemed hesitant. Penny and Tin-Tin picked up on this immediately, the former leaning toward Virgil and asking quietly, 

“Everything alright, Virgil?” 

He nodded quickly, saying, 

“It just didn’t come out the way I expected.” 

“I’m sure it’s wonderful,” Penny assured him. Virgil didn’t seem convinced. 

Jeff picked up Virgil’s gift and unwrapped it to reveal a canvas. 

“Oh, a painting!” Jeff said, turning it to see the picture. When he saw it, his smile transformed into an expression of confusion. 

“Ah,” he began, obviously at a loss for words. “It’s very…interesting, son.” 

“I can explain,” Virgil said. 

_**flashback to the day before**_

Virgil had set up his canvas and paints in the empty lounge, preparing for a silent session to try once again to paint a landscape for his father. 

Just as he finished the background, Scott and Ned came into the lounge. 

“No, I love you more,” Scott said. 

“NO, I LOVE YOU MORE MORE,” Ned replied. 

In an attempt to ignore them, Virgil focused on furiously painting and berated himself for thinking that the lounge was a good idea. 

“Well, I love you to infinity,” Scott challenged. 

“WELL, I LOVE YOU TO INFINITY INFINITY.” 

Virgil let out a measured breath before he said, 

“Could you two kindly quiet down? I’m trying to work.” 

“Oh, sorry Virg,” Scott said. “I didn’t realize. We’ll go in the other room.” 

“Thank you,” Virgil replied, thinking that that was too easy. 

“NO PROBLEM, VIRG.” 

Virgil huffed angrily at Ned’s familiarity but kept his thoughts to himself, just glad to be rid of the lovebirds. 

After they’d gone, Virgil took a deep breath, smiled, and then checked out his painting. 

“Oh no!” he said, his smile disappearing. “Not again!” 

_**end flashback**_

Jeff turned the painting so that everyone could see it and Gordon burst out into laughter. 

Virgil’s nice landscape had become a painting of two men holding hands in the great outdoors. 

“It was an accident,” Virgil tried to explain. “It was my third attempt and I didn’t have time to make another one.” 

“Well, Virg, I love it,” Scott said. “I guess our love is so strong that it inspires great works of art.” 

“It appears so,” Penny put in evenly. 

“You can open my present next,” Tin-Tin offered, effectively shattering the strange mood that Virgil’s “accidental” painting had caused. “It’s the envelope right there,” she directed. 

Jeff picked up the envelope and opened it, reading the card intently before smiling and holding up theater tickets. 

“Tin-Tin has bought us all tickets to the opera,” he announced. “That was very generous of you, Tin-Tin.” 

“I’m glad you like them, Mr. Tracy,” she said. “I know how much you enjoy opera music and it would be lovely for us all to make the trip together.” 

“What a brilliant idea, Tin-Tin,” Virgil said, cheering up considerably. “I can’t wait.” 

“I can,” Scott said and Gordon reached over to hit him on the arm. 

“Hey!” Scott objected and Jeff said, 

“My birthday is no time for fighting. Now, settle down.” 

“Yes, sir,” Scott answered noncommittally. 

“Open my present!” Alan said suddenly, pointing to a small gift that was obviously a book. Jeff opened it carefully and then read the title out loud. 

“ _Heartbreak,_ poems by Alan Tracy.” 

“I didn’t know you wrote poetry,” Virgil commented, a bit shocked. 

“Well, I didn’t. Until now,” Alan clarified. Jeff began to flip through the pages. 

“Are all of these poems about Tin-Tin?” Jeff inquired, trying not to sound skeptical. 

“Not all of them,” Alan answered, suddenly defensive. “I wrote a few about myself. And there’s one about you in there.” 

“Really?” Jeff asked, his curiosity genuinely piqued. He browsed the table of contents, searching for the poem about him. Finally, he found it and went to the page, reading the title aloud: “’Crabby Tracy’? Is this it?” 

“Yep!” Alan answered. Jeff hurriedly read the poem. 

“I do _not_ have ear hairs!” Jeff shouted. “And I do not complain incessantly when I don’t get coffee. This is rubbish. Alan, I’m banishing you to Five for this!” 

“Ah man,” Alan whined. 

“Go pack your things this instant, young man,” Jeff ordered, pointing in the direction of the door. 

“Yes, Dad,” Alan mumbled and trudged out of the room. 

“Hey, Dad, open my gift,” Gordon suggested. 

Jeff grabbed for the blue gift bag and stuck his hand inside. He pulled out a cheetah-print bathing suit and matching swim cap. 

“Oh, Mr. Tracy,” Tin-Tin said, “you’re going to look absolutely minty in those.” 

Jeff tried to hide a blush by gruffly clearing his throat and saying, 

“Thank you, Gordon. I’m sure these will get good use.” 

“I can get you a matching snorkel and fins if you want,” Gordon said. 

“Maybe save those for Christmas,” Jeff said, the remnants of a blush still on his face. Penny put a hand to her lips to keep in a laugh that threatened to escape. 

Jeff looked to see that he’d run out of presents to open. 

“Anything else?” he asked and, right on cue, Brains walked in with a large cardboard box in his arms. 

“Sorry, M-Mr. T-Tracy, but I had to make some last m-minute a-adjustments to m-my, ah, my present.” 

“No problem, Brains,” Jeff replied. “Just bring it over here.” 

Brains set down the oversized box and took a few steps away, standing awkwardly next to the couch. Jeff stood up to open the top of the box and then reached instead to take out a machine. He set it down on his desk and everyone marveled at it. It was red and sleek and resembled a luxury espresso machine. 

“What is it, Brains?” Jeff asked. 

“It’s a c-customizable drink dispenser,” the scientist announced proudly. “I have created a s-special f-feature on it that can scan your b-brain waves and make the drink that you’re c-craving at that time. It can p-produce everything from c-coffee to, ah, Scotch.” 

“That’s amazing, Brains,” Virgil said, genuinely impressed. 

“Boy, wouldn’t I love to have one of those for myself,” Gordon commented. 

“Thank you, Brains,” Jeff said. “This is really something.” 

“Now I no longer have to bring you coffee, Mr. Tracy,” Tin-Tin pointed out. 

“Well, we’ll see, Tin-Tin,” Jeff said, reluctant to give her up so quickly. “I have to see if this machine can make coffee that’s as good as yours.” 

“Oh, I’m flattered,” Tin-Tin replied, “but I do not think that I am any match for a high-tech machine such as this.” 

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Tin-Tin,” Jeff said. 

“If you say so, Mr. Tracy.” 

“Well,” Jeff said, looking around at his gifts, “this has been a good birthday. Now it’s time for cake.” 

“Not so fast,” Gordon said. “Don’t you want to see how the machine works?” He hopped up from the couch and approached the machine. “I’ll give it a whirl if you don’t want to.” 

“Go right ahead,” Jeff said. “Brains, why don’t you show us how to work it.” 

“It’s really quite simple, M-Mr. Tracy. You just press this button and look at this sensor here and the machine will do the r-rest.” 

Gordon did as Brains instructed and a moment later, the machine produced a chilled glass filled with a light amber liquid. 

“Beer!” Gordon announced, picking up the glass and taking a sip. “It worked perfectly. This is a good birthday after all.”


	5. A Night at the Opera

“ _Daaaad!_ ” Alan whined, pulling at the bowtie of his tux. “Why do we have to go to the boring opera?” 

“Alan,” Virgil said, “opera is the highest musical-theatrical art form. There is nothing boring about it.” 

“Besides,” Jeff cut in, “you boys need some culture.” 

“Indeed, Mr. Tracy,” Tin-Tin agreed. 

“You WOULD think that!” Alan snapped. 

“Enough you two,” Jeff said. “We’re here to have a nice time. And to think that I thought it was bad when you were together…” 

“Well,” Scott said, “I, for one, am glad to be here. Now I get to see Ned in a very dapper suit.” 

“THANK YOU, BABE.” 

“Remember boys,” Penny said, “there’s to be no talking whatsoever during the opera. It’s considered very rude.” 

Gordon laughed and said, 

“Yeah, good luck with that, _Alan_.” 

“I’m not a baby, you know,” Alan insisted. “I _can_ be quiet.” 

“Who knew,” Gordon commented. 

Virgil, watching his brothers’ exchange, leaned toward Penny and whispered, 

“Makes me wish it was Alan’s month to be up on Five instead of John’s.” 

“Indeed,” Penny whispered back. 

_**intermission**_

“I’m so confused!” Alan confessed as the lights came up. 

“Shh!” Scott warned, a finger on his lips. “Ned is sleeping and I don’t want to wake him up. He looks like an angel!” 

“Honestly?” Gordon said loudly, leaning over the chairs toward them. 

“Shh!” Scott reiterated. 

Virgil and Penny looked at each other and Virgil just shook his head. 

“Would anyone care for a glass of champagne?” Penny asked, attempting to steer the conversation away from stupid topics. 

“I would love some champagne,” Tin-Tin answered. 

“Of course!” Alan retorted. 

“Shh!” Scott repeated. 

Penny, Tin-Tin, and Virgil slipped away to get their champagne. As they were leaving, they heard Alan say, 

“No one has explained this story to me yet. I still don’t know what’s going on…”


	6. The Break-Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for Elsa Jay (on ff.net)

“I can’t believe this!” Scott shouted, coming into the lounge and falling dramatically onto the couch. Tin-Tin, who had already been sitting on the couch, let out a yelp of surprise when Scott’s head fell into her lap. Penny, who was standing over by the door to the balcony, shot the oldest Tracy brother a warning glare, but, in his angst, he completely missed it. 

Virgil, who was seated at the piano, stood and moved closer to the couch to see what was going on. 

“What has happened?” Tin-Tin asked when no one else did. 

Scott covered his eyes with his hands, replying, 

“Ned broke up with me!” 

“Really?” Virgil asked, trying to sound supportive but sounding hopeful instead. 

“Yes, really!” Scott answered defensively. 

Penny kept her distance, staying in her place by the doors, but said gently, 

“Scott, dear, why don’t you calmly explain what happened?” 

“Calmly?” Scott asked, sitting up slightly and looking over at Penny incredulously. “ _Calmly?_ How can I be calm about this??” 

“Scott,” Tin-Tin said gently, brushing his hair off his forehead, “it’s going to be alright.” 

“How can you know that?” he shot back before burying his face in Tin-Tin’s lap. Penny took a step in their direction, but Tin-Tin stopped her approach with an apologetic look. 

“I know that,” Tin-Tin started, “because you’re a handsome, kind, and successful man. You’ll be fine.” 

“What reason did Ned give?” Virgil asked, genuinely curious now. 

Scott sat up suddenly, much to Penny’s relief, and he let out a long sigh before answering, 

“He said that he found someone hotter.” 

“Well, he’s an idiot,” Virgil said, relieved to finally be able to say it aloud. 

“Indeed,” Penny agreed. 

“We’ll find you someone better. Someone who appreciates you,” Tin-Tin added. “Don’t you worry about it.” 

“But _how_?” Scott asked. 

“By walking into literally any establishment,” Penny muttered to herself. 

“What was that?” Scott inquired, scooting over on the couch so he was closer to her. 

“I was saying that I think it will be quite simple,” Penny said. “Why don’t you go wash up? Then we can take you out.” 

“Yes,” Tin-Tin agreed. “That will help you feel better.” 

“Just forget about Ned,” Virgil suggested. “He wasn’t worth it anyway.” 

The women kept their mouths shut, not wanting to tip Scott’s delicate condition back into hysteria. 

“Okay,” Scott said reluctantly. “I’ll go change my shirt.” 

He slumped out of the lounge slowly, leaving the other three alone in the lounge. 

Once they were sure he was gone, Virgil, Tin-Tin, and Penny smiled at each other in victory. Penny was the first one to break the silence. 

“Thank goodness for that.” 

“I thought Ned was never going to do it,” Tin-TIn said, relief obvious in her tone. 

“Let’s just hope that the next one isn’t quite so annoying,” Virgil commented. 

“I intend to be sure of it,” Penny said with a mischievous expression on her face. “I think it’s time the three of us take more interest in Scott’s love life.” 

Tin-Tin and Virgil nodded their agreement.


	7. The Break-Up, Part 2

Once Scott had changed his shirt, he headed out for the mainland with Virgil, Penny, and Tin-Tin. On the way, Penny made some covert calls in the aft cabin of the family jet, not allowing anyone to listen in. Meanwhile, Virgil and Tin-Tin tried to keep Scott’s spirits up. 

“It’ll be fun,” Tin-Tin promised. “You know Penelope will set up something good.” 

“I guess,” Scott said and Tin-Tin couldn’t hide the hurt she felt at his lack of confidence in her girlfriend. 

“Scott, don’t be such a crab,” Virgil said, not turning his head as he piloted the craft. “We’re just trying to help, you know.” 

“Indeed, we are,” Penny said, entering the cockpit and taking a seat beside Tin-Tin. “I think I have arranged a most enjoyable night for us all. We’ll be meeting a friend of mine at the Swinging Star.” 

“Sounds fun, Penelope,” Virgil put in, shooting Scott a warning look. 

“Yeah, should be fun,” Scott echoed noncommittally. 

“Just wait until we get there,” Penny said. “Then, you may pass judgment.” 

When they arrived at the Swinging Star, the club was already in full motion with its usual nighttime crowd. Penny kept checking her phone, occasionally sending a message. She led them to a quieter area of the club, stopping at a corner table with a wrap-around booth. A very handsome young man was already seated there and he stood at their arrival. 

“Lady Penelope!” he said, kissing her on the cheek. “It’s so good to see you.” 

Tin-Tin stepped out from behind Penny, looking at the man and recognizing him immediately. 

“Mr. Carnaby!” she said. “What a pleasant surprise.” 

“Tin-Tin!” he replied, leaning forward to kiss her cheek as well. “I didn’t expect to see you here. You look great!” 

“Thank you,” Tin-Tin said, blushing. 

“Wait a second,” Scott said. “This is Cass Carnaby? Like the _Cass Carnaby Five_ Cass Carnaby? ‘Dangerous Game’ and all that?” Scott stared at Cass unabashedly. 

“The one and only,” Cass answered with a smile, putting out his hand for Scott to shake. 

“This is my friend, Scott Tracy,” Penny said. 

“Scott Tracy of Tracy Industries?” Cass asked, admiration in his eyes as he shook Scott’s hand. 

“Yes, sir,” Scott answered, standing a bit taller. 

“And you know his brother, Virgil,” Penny said. 

“Yes, we’ve met,” Cass said. 

“Let’s settle in and get some drinks,” Penny said, pushing Scott so that he slid into the booth beside Cass. As they were arranging themselves, Tin-Tin leaned in to whisper to Penny, 

“Oh, he’s as gorgeous as I remember. Good choice.” Penny smiled smugly and whispered back, 

“Now we just have to hope that Scott doesn’t botch this up.” 

“Hey, Cass!” Scott said. “Cass! Cass! Watch this!” He grabbed the salt shaker and a napkin and Virgil just covered his eyes with his hand. 

Cass watched intently as Scott covered the shaker with the napkin. Then, Scott pulled at his sleeves to show that he wasn’t hiding anything in them. Putting his hand back on the covered shaker, he quickly shifted the napkin so the salt shaker fell into his lap. He finished by crushing the now empty napkin as if the shaker had disappeared by magic. 

“Ta-da!” he announced. Tin-Tin looked at Penny to exchange a glance, but the blonde was looking away, her eyes half-lidded in annoyance. 

To their surprise, Cass laughed and clapped. 

“Good trick!” he said. 

“There’s salt in my lap,” Virgil said, regretting sitting next to his brother. 

“I have more!” Scott bragged. 

“No, dear, I think one is quite enough for tonight,” Penny said, somehow keeping her voice calm. 

“Spoilsport,” Scott replied. 

“So, Tin-Tin,” Cass began, turning to the girl who sat on the other side of him, “what have you been up to recently?” 

“The usual,” Tin-Tin answered with a shrug. “I work for Scott’s father, so I keep busy.” 

“Yes,” Scott cut in loudly, worried that Cass was a bit too interested in Tin-Tin, “our company is doing very well. So we’re all always rather busy.” 

“I see,” Cass said. “Well, Mr. Tracy is lucky to have such special employees.” 

“Let _him_ hear you say that,” Virgil muttered to himself. 

“Did you know,” Scott interjected, “that Tin-Tin is dating Penny now? And Penny is really the jealous type, so watch out. You don’t know what she’s capable of when she’s angry.” 

“Something you’d be keen to heed,” Penny said to Scott. 

“Congratulations, you two,” Cass said, his tone friendly. “You’re both very lucky.” 

“Indeed,” Penny said with a genuine smile, taking Tin-Tin’s hand under the table. 

“It seems we’re destined to meet when you’re already spoken for,” Cass commented playfully to Tin-Tin. 

Scott cleared his throat loudly and said, 

“Well, _some_ of us here actually have the misfortune of being single. Like Virgil. And me.” 

“Speak for yourself,” Virgil said. 

“Ooo!” Tin-Tin cooed. “Virgil!” 

“ _Who_ is the reason that we’re here right now?” Scott asked. “Nevermind Virgil and his secret love affairs. I’m here to forget all about—“ 

“Waiter!” Penny called, lifting her hand elegantly in spite of the urgency in her voice. 

The night continued well despite Scott’s antics. Penny fought the urge to let out a sigh of relief every time Cass responded well to Scott and Virgil somehow refrained from rolling his eyes every time Penny cut off one of Scott’s less-than-intelligent comments. At one point, Virgil had to physically pull Scott’s arm down when he wouldn’t stop showing off his biceps. 

After a few drinks, the company split for the night. Cass left Scott with his number, asking him to call. 

“I did it!” Scott announced when they were back in the jet and on their way back to Tracy Island. He had Cass’ business card in his hand and he held it up in the air in victory. 

“You mean _we_ did it,” Virgil said, keeping his eyes ahead as he piloted the jet. 

“Why do you guys get any credit?” Scott asked. “Tin-Tin just distracted him and Penny kept interrupting. And you,” he pointed at Virgil, “kept me from showing off my ripped abs. I’m the one who did all the work and I’m the one who got a number tonight.” He waved the card in Virgil’s face. 

“Trying to fly here,” Virgil said, swatting Scott’s hand away. 

“Scott,” Tin-Tin began sweetly, “don’t you think Penny deserves some credit for setting everything up?” 

“And for not killing you about a dozen times already,” Virgil added. 

“I suppose,” Scott said. He turned to Penny and said, “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome, Scott,” she replied. “I’m glad you had a nice night.” 

“And you’re crazy, Virgil,” Scott said. “Penny couldn’t kill me. I mean, look at these biceps!” He flexed his arm, pulling his shirt back to give the others a better view. 

Before Scott knew what was happening, Penny stood and swept his legs with her own, leaving him breathless on his back on the floor of the jet. Without comment, Penny sat down again, primly smoothing out her skirt. Tin-Tin just stared at Scott, her mouth hanging open, and Virgil turned his head at the sound of Scott hitting the ground. 

“What the hell just happened?” he asked, unable to see Scott from the pilot’s chair. 

“Penelope decked Scott,” Tin-Tin answered. 

“Oww!” Scott complained, still lying on the floor. 

“Penelope, aren’t you wearing four-inch heels?” Virgil asked. 

“Five inches, actually,” she answered. 

Scott just groaned and asked, 

“Are we home yet?”


	8. The Name’s Creighton-Ward…Penelope Creighton-Ward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like some good old mischief at Foxley-Heath.

Tin-Tin often wondered whether Penny could ever have a relationship with a non-MI5/non-IR person simply because she had too many secrets. And that was before she spent her first night at Foxley-Heath. 

Tin-Tin arrived right after breakfast, saying a quick greeting to her hostess before racing toward the bathroom. It had been a long trip and for the last hour of it, she’d suffered from the horrible combination of drinking too much coffee and being cooped up for too long. 

After she’d washed her hands, she looked at herself in the large mirror over the sink. Thinking that she was worse for the wear after the trip, she opened one of the drawers in the cabinet to the right of the sink. She quickly found a suitable shade of lipstick and opened the tube. 

It was hard to open at first, so Tin-Tin gave it a firm pull. When she did, it fell apart in an unexpected way and a small black component landed on the counter. Tin-Tin recognized it at once as one of Brains’ listening devices. She shook her head, replacing the bug to the tube and thinking that it would be her luck to choose the lipstick that was actually a way to smuggle a spy device. 

She gave up on the make-up, focusing on fixing her hair instead. Once she was confident that she was presentable, she left the bathroom and returned to the company of her girlfriend. 

Tea time rolled around and they took tea in the parlor. When Penny was momentarily called away, Tin-Tin looked around the room aimlessly and sipped her tea. She found herself wishing she had some coffee instead. 

Still waiting for Penny, she finished her tea. Used to doing things herself, Tin-Tin went to pour more tea for herself, keeping a hand on the top to avoid spilling. She had just put the teapot down, and was taking her first sip, when a voice said, 

“Hello, Penny.” 

Tin-Tin nearly choked on her tea, having jumped and only half-swallowed in her shock. She started coughing up the hot liquid and the voice asked, 

“Penny? Are you alright?” 

The second time around, Tin-Tin recognized the voice. 

“Mr. Tracy?” she asked between coughs. 

“Tin-Tin?” he asked. “What are you doing on this line? Where’s Penny?” 

“Penny stepped out,” Tin-Tin answered. “Are you talking to me through a teapot?” 

Jeff didn’t answer right away, obviously as confused as Tin-Tin, but neither had to work out the situation because it was just then that Penny returned. 

“Are you alright, darling?” she asked Tin-Tin. “I heard some violent coughing.” 

“I’m fine,” she assured the concerned aristocrat. 

“Hello, Penny,” Jeff’s voice came again. Penny looked from the teapot to Tin-Tin, confusion on her face. 

“Hello, Jeff,” she answered politely. “Can I help you with something?” 

“I was going to ask you the same thing,” Jeff said. “You called me.” 

“But I didn’t call you,” Penny said. 

“I think the teapot called him,” Tin-Tin confessed. 

“Oh,” Penny said, the situation suddenly clear. “Well, while I have you, Jeff, there was something that I wanted to ask you.” 

“Sure thing, Penny.” 

“Do you remember that time you visited my sheep farm? Well, did you happen to leave a bright yellow shirt? I came across it and I want to return it if it’s yours.” 

Tin-Tin sipped her tea, hoping the motion would hide her blush. 

“Ah, yes,” Jeff answered. “I was wondering what happened to that shirt. Thank you, Penny.” 

“No problem, Jeff.” 

“Well, I’ll let you girls get back to whatever it is you’re up to,” he said. “Tin-Tin, I’ll see you when you get back.” 

She just nodded, not wanting to trust her voice to say anything. Penny noticed her reluctance to speak, so she said, “Goodbye, Jeff,” and touched the top of the teapot to close the link. 

Penny picked up her teacup and sipped her drink before commenting, 

“My, it’s gone cold. I am sorry that I was away for so long. The Duchess just would not stop going on about her new butler.” 

“I just didn’t expect your teapot to be a communicator,” Tin-Tin said bashfully. 

“Yes, I suppose I should have warned you,” Penny conceded. “But, all is well. Why don’t we take a walk in the gardens? It is a perfectly lovely day.” 

Tin-Tin nodded, grateful for the change of subject. 

“That sounds wonderful,” she commented. 

A few minutes later, they were out in Penny’s extensive gardens. They walked along the stone path hand in hand, Penny occasionally pointing out a flower or shrub and describing its importance. Tin-Tin listened with interest, taking every opportunity to watch the blonde. 

Eventually they came to the center of the garden, taking a seat on a bench beside a large statue. Tin-Tin looked up at the beautiful work of art, marveling at the detail in the stone. 

“It’s Artemis, isn’t it?” she asked. 

“Indeed,” Penny replied, smiling at Tin-Tin’s knowledge of Greek and Roman mythology. 

“I’ve always admired her,” Tin-Tin added, still looking up at the statue beside her as Penny looked at her. 

“As have I,” Penny said softly. The gentleness in Penny’s voice made Tin-Tin smile to herself, her heart warming with the affection. 

A wave of tiredness suddenly hit Tin-Tin and she found herself yawning. She stretched her arms up as the yawn left her, her one hand accidentally banging against the statue. 

“Oh,” Tin-Tin said automatically, pulling her hand to her chest. Penny took Tin-Tin’s hand in her own, examining the skin closely for any injury. 

“Tin-Tin, darling, you do have a clumsy streak,” she said. 

Then the scream of sirens filled the air and Tin-Tin’s entire body tensed at the piercing sound. 

“What’s happening?” she asked, her voice barely audible through the cacophony. 

Instead of answering, Penny took Tin-Tin’s hand and started walking at a hurried pace toward the house. When they came within view of the mansion, Tin-Tin could tell that something strange was happening. Grey metal plates covered the windows and doors and a red light was spinning on the roof. The sirens were even louder here. 

Taking only a second to take in the scene, Penny led Tin-Tin to the mansion’s back door. Once there, she opened a panel and typed something into a pad there. 

Immediately everything went back to normal. The metal lifted from the doors and windows and the sirens cut off, leaving Tin-Tin’s ears ringing. 

The back door opened and Parker rushed out, his gaze finding his mistress calm and unharmed. 

“H’is h’everything well, milady?” he asked, confusion obvious in his tone. 

“All is well, Parker,” she assured him. “The most dangerous thing here is Tin-Tin. She unknowingly activated the emergency lockdown with the hidden button on the Artemis statue.” 

“Very good, milady,” Parker replied, turning to re-enter the house without another word. Penny turned to Tin-Tin to find the girl blushing. 

“No harm done, my love,” Penny said, lightly kissing Tin-Tin. 

“I’m glad of it,” Tin-Tin said, feeling a little better after Penny’s attention. 

Penny put out her hand for Tin-Tin to take, saying, 

“Come on, let’s find something to get your mind off things.” 

Tin-Tin nodded, eagerly following Penny inside. 

Later that night, after an elegant and uneventful dinner, the women sojourned to Penny’s enormous bathtub. They’d tied up their hair and sank into the hot, bubbly water. Penny sipped her tea, the teapot sitting innocently on the ledge beside the tub, and Tin-Tin leaned on her shoulder, playing with the bubbles with one hand and drawing lazy circles on Penny’s thigh with the other. 

“If I had a bathtub like this,” Tin-Tin started, “I’d be in it every day and you’d have to drag me out.” 

Penny smiled at this, turning her head to kiss Tin-Tin’s temple. The brunette took the opportunity of the blonde’s closeness to dab bubbles on her nose. Penny pulled away and Tin-Tin laughed at the look of surprise on the aristocrat’s usually composed face. 

“The nerve,” Penny said and Tin-Tin was about to do it again when the infernal teapot beeped and stopped Tin-Tin in her tracks. 

“Are you going to answer it?” Tin-Tin asked seriously. 

“It could be an emergency,” Penny pointed out, reaching over to the teapot and pressing its top to activate the communicator. 

“Penny here,” she said, her tone relaxed and professional. Tin-Tin sank deeper into the water as though to hide from whoever was calling. 

“Hey, Lady P!” The women recognized the voice immediately. 

“Hello, Gordon,” Penny said. “Can I help you with something?” 

“Is Tin-Tin there?” he asked. “I wanted to ask her something.” Penny and Tin-Tin looked at one another, guessing that Gordon’s interruption was anything but innocent. Penny raised an eyebrow at her girlfriend, who shook her head. 

“Sorry, Gordon,” Penny said. “She’s busy at the moment. Can I give her a message for you?” 

“Is she right there?” Gordon pressed. “Are you two doing your creepy non-talking talking thing again? I swear, you can read each other’s minds.” Tin-Tin sank even deeper into the water and Penny said, 

“Gordon, I don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about. And honestly, I’m hurt by your lack of trust in me.” 

“Well, I’m hurt by your lack of sharing,” he answered. Then, with a sigh, he said, “ _Fine_ , I’ll leave you two alone. But don’t think that I won’t interrogate Tin-Tin when she gets back.” 

“ _Goodbye_ , Gordon,” Penny said, reaching up to break the link. Then, after a sigh and a sip of her tea, she whispered, “Insufferable.” 

With Gordon gone, Tin-Tin was able to relax again. She leaned against Penny, contentedly running her fingers along the outside edge of the tub as Penny leaned back and closed her eyes. 

A moment later, there was a knock on the door and Parker’s voice, muffled through the wood, asked, 

“Did you require something, milady?” 

Tin-Tin froze and Penny looked over to see the girl’s hand resting on the lip of the tub. 

“No, it’s alright, Parker,” she called back. “Tin-Tin accidentally pressed the call button.” 

Tin-Tin pressed her face into Penny’s shoulder and groaned as Parker said, 

“Very good, milady.” 

Once she was sure Parker had left, Penny chuckled and kissed Tin-Tin’s hair. 

“It turns out you are quite the troublemaker,” she said. 

“I’m sorry,” Tin-Tin muttered against Penny’s skin. “You didn’t tell me that your entire house is booby-trapped.” 

“Well, I’m just relieved that I had the good sense to refrain from installing video capabilities into my teapot.” 

Tin-Tin’s mouth fell open at that and she whispered, 

“Could you imagine? Gordon would have been over the moon.” 

“Nevermind Gordon,” Penny said, putting her teacup down on the ledge beside the teapot. “I’m more concerned with you at the moment.” 

Penny grabbed Tin-Tin’s waist and pulled her into a kiss. Tin-Tin quickly forgot all about Gordon and everything else. 

Around 2am, Tin-Tin woke to the utter darkness of Penny’s bedroom. She couldn’t see her girlfriend, but she could hear her gentle breathing. Penny was always so quiet and still in sleep. Tin-Tin wondered whether this, too, was a part of her agent training or just a product of her personality. 

Putting her musing aside, Tin-Tin tried to determine what had woken her in the first place. She realized that she had to take a trip to the bathroom, but she was afraid to walk through the dark room. At the least, she expected to stub her toe. At the worst, she worried that she’d trigger another one of Penny’s hidden buttons. 

Tin-Tin reached for the lamp on the night table on her side of the bed, hoping the light wouldn’t wake Penny. She fumbled around for the switch, realizing that she didn’t know where it was since she’d hadn’t used it before. 

She hadn’t even succeeded at turning on the light when a car horn started blaring through the silent night. 

Tin-Tin felt Penny sit up beside her immediately. 

“What is going on?” she asked, her soft voice tired and fuzzy. 

“I’m not sure,” Tin-Tin answered. 

The light on Penny’s side of the bed flicked on and the woman got out of bed, hurrying over to the window. She pulled aside the curtains and peered out. Tin-Tin moved to stand behind her, looking out the window to the front driveway. 

Penny’s beloved Rolls was driving itself in circles, incessantly honking its horn. 

“It’s driving itself!?” Tin-Tin asked, stunned. Penny let out a small sigh of understanding. She turned to Tin-Tin and the girl was amazed by how Penny looked immaculate at two in the morning. 

“Tin-Tin,” she started carefully, “did you happen to fiddle with the lamp on your side of the bed?” 

Tin-Tin just nodded. 

Penny calmly walked over to the lamp and turned its base. At once, the honking ceased and there was the sound of a car driving away. 

“All fixed,” she announced. “Shall we return to bed?” 

“Is everything in this house secretly something else?” Tin-Tin asked, exasperated. 

“Don’t be upset, dear,” Penny said, stepping toward Tin-Tin and putting a comforting hand on her arm. “This is the secret agent’s life. I understand if it’s a bit of an adjustment at first.” 

Tin-Tin nodded weakly and then leaned forward, resting her forehead wearily on Penny’s shoulder. Penny wove her fingers into Tin-Tin’s soft hair, pulling her closer. 

“Are you alright?” she asked softly. 

“Yes,” Tin-Tin whispered. 

“Then let’s get to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning.” 

Then Tin-Tin remembered why she’d gotten up. She pulled away from Penny and said, 

“I’ll be right back.” With a smirk, Penny replied, 

“I’ll keep the light on. Try not to cause any more disasters before you get back.” 

Tin-Tin smiled and promised, 

“I’ll do my best.”


	9. The Common Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really loved writing this chapter waaaaay too much.

“ _Achooooooo!_ ” Alan yelled as he sneezed all over Jeff’s desk. 

“Seriously, son,” Jeff said, wiping moisture off his sleeve, “you must learn to cover your mouth.” 

“And you don’t have to yell ‘achoo’ just because you’re sneezing,” Gordon said. 

“I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do,” Alan said. “What’s wrong with me anyway? I feel like I’m dying.” 

“If you’re sick, why haven’t you gone to see Brains?” his father asked. 

“Brains gives me the creeps,” Alan said. “Can’t Tin-Tin treat me?” 

“Tin-Tin is Brains’ engineering assistant, not his nurse,” Gordon pointed out. “Besides, she doesn’t want you getting snot all over her.” 

Jeff looked at his youngest son and put on his most serious expression. 

“Go see Brains this instant,” he ordered. 

“But—“ Alan started. 

“ _Now,_ ” Jeff insisted. 

“Fineeeee,” Alan whined. “But I won’t enjoy it.” 

A few minutes later, Brains had a thermometer in Alan’s mouth as he laid on a bed in the infirmary. 

“You have the common c-cold,” Brains said. 

“Ok,” Alan said. “That doesn’t sound too bad. So, what can you do for me?” 

“I’m sorry, A-Alan, but t-there’s nothing I c-can do.” 

“What do you mean there’s nothing you can do? Isn’t it your job to cure me? What kind of genius are you, anyway?” 

“I’m sorry,” Brains repeated. “B-but there is no c-cure for t-the common c-cold.” 

“Are you telling me that it’s the 21st century and we still haven’t cured the common cold?” Alan said, flabbergasted. “We have rockets and robots and nuclear power, but we can’t do anything about a cold?” 

“Y-you are c-correct,” Brains said. 

“This is unbelievable!” Alan said, throwing up his hands in defeat. 

“I c-can g-give you s-some v-vitamin C,” Brains said, stuttering more than usual under the pressure of Alan’s annoyed gaze. 

“Nevermind,” Alan said, jumping up from the bed. “I’ll take care of this myself.” 

“A-Alan!” Brains called as the Tracy boy started to leave the room. “A c-cold is highly contagious. You s-should stay h-here.” 

“What?” Alan asked. “You can’t help me and now you want me to stay cooped up in here? No way!” 

Alan stormed out of the infirmary and Brains opened a link to Jeff Tracy. 

About thirty seconds after Alan left the infirmary, there was a knock on Tin-Tin’s door. She looked up from her place on her bed, putting down her book and calling, 

“Come in.” 

The door opened to reveal a miserable looking Alan. He didn’t say anything before he came into her room, collapsing next to her on her bed. 

“I feel terrible,” he complained. 

“Why don’t you go to the infirmary?” Tin-Tin asked, trying not to be annoyed by Alan’s intrusion. 

“I was just there,” he said. “Brains said he can’t help me. I’m going to die and he doesn’t even care.” 

“Don’t be silly, Alan,” Tin-Tin said, giving up on her book. “I’m sure you’re not going to die.” 

He looked up at her with a pitiful expression, pushing out his bottom lip to exaggerate his condition. 

“But what if I was?” he asked. “Brains says there’s no cure. What if my days are numbered? Will you take me back?” 

Tin-Tin moved away from Alan on the bed. 

“Alan, we’ve talked about this,” she said. 

“I’m so sick,” he whined, moving closer to her again. 

“Alan, stop this,” Tin-Tin said, trying to keep her voice kind despite her rising anger. 

“Please just take care of me,” he said. “I feel so horrible.” 

Tin-Tin let out a long breath, considering. Alan kept looking at her, slowly creeping toward her while she was distracted. 

“Alright,” she said. “Come to the kitchen and I’ll make you some tea.” 

“Can you bring it to my room instead?” he asked. 

“Ok, that’s it,” she said, standing from the bed and pulling on his arm. “Get out. Go get someone else to take pity on you. I’m done.” 

“Come on, Tin-Tin.” 

“No,” she said, pointing at the door. “Out.” 

Alan let out a sigh and slowly got up from the bed. He took his sweet time getting to the door and, once there, he lingered and said, 

“Ok, but if I die, just remember that you had your chance.” 

“Goodbye, Alan.” 

With another sigh, Alan finally left Tin-Tin in peace. 

As he stepped out into the hallway, he came face to face with his father. 

“Hey, Dad,” he said sheepishly. 

“Alan, you’re supposed to be in the infirmary! Brains has informed me that your illness is highly contagious. You’re going to get the entire island sick if you’re not quarantined.” 

Alan waved away his father’s words, saying, 

“Brains is overreacting, as usual.” 

“Listen, Alan, if you don’t get to the infirmary, I’ll just send you up to Five. You can’t get anyone sick if you’re in space.” 

“Ugh,” Alan moaned. “I’ll go. But can someone besides Brains take care of me? He has the worst bedside manner.” 

“Very well,” Jeff conceded. “I’ll see who I can recruit. But you have to get to the infirmary this instant.” 

Alan was lying in bed in the infirmary for fifteen minutes before he was joined by his new caretaker. 

“Hey, bro!” Gordon said, walking in with a cup of something green in his hand. 

“You’re the one Dad got to take care of me?” Alan asked. 

“I volunteered, actually,” Gordon said. 

“I’m calling Dad,” Alan threatened. 

“Go ahead,” Gordon said. “But no one else wants the job, so you’re stuck with me.” 

Alan pouted and crossed his arms over his chest, out of things to say. 

“Ok, first thing on the menu,” Gordon said, handing Alan the cup of mysterious green stuff. “Brains said you need your vegetables. So I made you a mega-smoothie. It’s full of kale and spinach and carrots and all that good stuff. So, drink up!” 

Alan tried to sniff it, but his nose was so congested that he couldn’t smell anything. So, he took a sip and was totally unprepared for the completely disgusting taste. 

“UGH!” Alan shouted, pushing the cup back into Gordon’s hands. “I can barely taste anything and this is horrendous! I can’t drink this!” 

“But you have to,” Gordon said. “Doctor’s orders. Just chug it. It’ll be over before you know it.” 

“I hate this,” Alan whined, but then he plugged his nose and drank the entire glass as fast as he could. As he did this, Gordon covertly took out his phone, getting ready to take a picture of Alan once he’d finished. When he had, he handed the glass back to Gordon and let go of his nose, making a face of disgust. Gordon just laughed at him and snapped a picture. 

“That was priceless,” Gordon commented, showing Alan the picture he’d taken. 

“Hey! Get rid of that!” Alan said, reaching for Gordon’s phone. 

“No way!” Gordon said, slipping his phone safely back in his pocket. 

“I’m calling Dad!” 

“Good luck convincing anyone else to babysit you.” 

“I’m not a baby,” Alan insisted. 

“Debatable,” Gordon replied. 

The bickering continued for some time, until Alan finally tired himself out and fell asleep. Gordon took the opportunity of Alan’s unconsciousness to send the embarrassing picture to everyone on the Island, John, and Penny. He laughed as the responses filtered in. 

_**John:** Did Alan finally look at himself in the mirror? _

_**Virgil:** Vengeance!_

_**Scott:** Gords did u use my protein shake blender 4 sumthing gross?_

_**Tin-Tin:** Gordon, what have you done now?_

_**Penny:** Thank you for sharing. It made my day._

_**Jeff:** Son, we have to have a talk about how to properly care for your brother_

A few days later, Alan was on his feet again, only coughing occasionally. 

“Hey, that vitamin C stuff really works!” he said, walking into the lounge to join his father and brothers. 

“Speaking of vitamin C,” Jeff said from his place at his desk, “has everyone been taking their supplements from Brains? I don’t want anyone else to get this illness.” 

“Yes, Father,” Virgil replied immediately. 

“I’m strong enough to fight this thing on my own,” Scott answered. “I don’t need any help from Brains or vitamins or anything.” 

“Scott!” Jeff said, immediately angry. “I don’t care what you think. You’re to do as I ask!” 

Before Scott could answer, they heard a small, high-pitched sneeze and turned to see Tin-Tin standing in the doorway. 

“Alan!” Virgil said. “You got Tin-Tin sick? How did you manage that?” 

“Please don’t tell me that you two are back together,” Gordon said, sounding legitimately concerned. 

Tin-Tin wrinkled her nose at the suggestion, but before she could give an answer, they heard another high-pitched sneeze. It had obviously not come from Tin-Tin, since her mouth had been closed the entire time, so the men were confused as to its source. 

Their answer came a second later when Penny stepped into the lounge, her nose pink and her eyes watering slightly. 

“Gordon, I’m disappointed,” she said, her refined voice muffled by congestion. “I can’t believe you have so little faith in me.” 

“Penny is here!?” Jeff said. 

“Not at all,” Gordon answered Penny, steamrolling over Jeff’s exclamation. “I’m just confused why Tin-Tin is sick when she didn’t visit Alan in the infirmary at all.” 

“I think I can solve that mystery,” Tin-Tin offered. All eyes were on her as she said, “Alan came to my room to complain about being sick. He asked me to take care of him, but I refused. If I’d known he was so contagious, I wouldn’t have let him in at all.” 

Penny put her hands on her hips and shot Alan an angry glare. 

“Uh-oh,” Scott said. “I know that look. Alan, you better run for it.” 

“Alan, how could you be so selfish?” Virgil asked. 

“Seriously, Alan,” Gordon said. “Now we won’t see Penny and Tin-Tin for days. And it’s all because of you.” 

“Speaking of Penny,” Jeff said, “when did you get here?” 

“Yes, you two should be lying down,” Virgil said, ignoring his father’s question. 

“I suppose you’re right,” Penny said. “We’ll be in Tin-Tin’s room. Please send Alan in with some tea and whatever Brains thinks we should take. I don’t want for any more of you to get sick unnecessarily.” 

Penny led Tin-Tin out of the lounge and everyone turned their attention on Alan. 

“Alan, how could you be so irresponsible?” Virgil asked. 

“You’d better get on that tea,” Scott suggested. “I wouldn’t trust Penny to be too patient today. And I’d watch your back.” 

Alan just looked down at his lap, his face red with embarrassment. Jeff, however, was still mystified by Penny’s unannounced arrival. 

“Will someone _please_ tell me when Penny got here?” 

“Dad,” Gordon said, “there are some things that are just better left a mystery.” 

“Fine,” Jeff replied. “But what’s not a mystery is _you’re grounded._ ” 

“Every time!” Gordon shouted, putting up his hands in surrender. 

“No yelling in the house,” Jeff reminded him. “I’m going to get Tin-Tin to make me coffee.” 

“She’s sick,” Virgil reminded him. “I’ll make it for you instead.” 

Jeff looked over at Alan and Virgil worried that his father might burst a blood vessel. 

“Alan, son, you have ruined _everything._ ” 

Jeff stomped out, headed for his study, and Scott said, 

“Alan, you’d better put the kettle on.”


	10. Gordon's Fan Club

Gordon lounged by the pool, drying off in the generous heat of the sun hanging high over Tracy Island. With his sunglasses on and his headphones in his ears, he was taken completely off-guard by Alan’s approach. 

“Hey, Gordon!” Alan shouted near his brother’s head, causing Gordon to fall off the lounger in shock. 

“Alan!” Gordon said, pulling his headphones out of his ears and resting his sunglasses up on his head as he quickly stood. “Now, what the hell was that for?” He glared at his blond brother as the faint hum of his music wafted on the air. 

“Oh, nothing,” Alan said, smirking smugly. “Just some good old payback.” 

“What is all this about?” Gordon asked, moving to turn off his music. 

“See for yourself,” Alan said, holding up a poster for Gordon to see. Gordon’s mouth fell open as he took it in, grabbing the paper from his brother to get a closer look. 

The poster featured Gordon in his diving gear, his wet hair completely wild. Under his photo read the words: Captain Sexhair. 

“Where did you get this?” Gordon sputtered, wondering how this existed without his knowledge. 

“The Internet,” Alan answered. “If you join the Captain Sexhair fan club, you get a poster.” 

“How did they get this picture?” Gordon asked, his tone incredulous. 

“I don’t know, but it is a really good photo of you. It really captures your sexhair side.” 

Still clutching the poster, Gordon ran toward the house. He barreled into the lounge to find Scott, Virgil, and Tin-Tin congregated around his portrait. 

“What’s going on here?” Gordon asked. At the sound of his voice, everyone turned to look at him. 

“You really look rather dashing,” Tin-Tin said and then Gordon rushed to get a view of what they were all so fascinated with. 

He found that Alan had put up another Captain Sexhair poster over his portrait. The mischievous brother came into the room just then, breathing heavily. 

“You got _two_ of them?” he almost shouted, turning to look at Alan. 

“I joined, too,” Scott said, smiling. “The message boards are really fun.” 

“Of course you’d think so,” Virgil muttered. 

“What else have you done?” Gordon asked Alan. 

“Oh, it’s just a bit of fun,” Tin-Tin said, sensing Gordon’s mounting anger and attempting to diffuse the situation. 

“Yeah,” Scott piped in, “calm down, Captain Sexhair.” 

“Not helping,” Virgil deadpanned. 

“I do think it’s lovely to have a gaggle of girls fawning over you,” Tin-Tin said, stepping toward the redhead and putting a comforting hand on his arm. 

But Gordon’s attention was fixed on Alan. 

“What else have you done!?” he repeated. 

Just then, Jeff wandered into the lounge. He held a white t-shirt out for them to see and said, 

“I appreciate the gesture, boys, but I don’t think this is my size.” 

Gordon’s jaw dropped as he read the t-shirt. 

Huge letters spelled out “I love Captain Sexhair” but instead of “love,” there was a heart with Gordon’s smiling face in it. 

“No way!” Gordon shouted. “They make t-shirts!?” Alan just laughed and said, 

“It’s amazing what you can find on the Internet.”


	11. Scott Gets Romantic...Again

Jeff sat at his desk, reading through a report, and Tin-Tin sat with Gordon on the couch, playing a rather quiet game of chess. Gordon was grounded again and he was doing everything possible to stay on his father’s good side. 

The companionable silence only lasted a moment more before Scott burst into the lounge. He took a knee and lifted one hand dramatically in the air as he read from a notebook that he held in his other, 

“Cass, with hair smooth as glass, how can I list all the ways I love thee!” 

“What have you and Penny done now?” Gordon asked Tin-Tin and Jeff interjected, 

“Son, what is the meaning of this ridiculous display?” 

Scott smiled and stood, approaching his father’s desk as he said, 

“I’m just reading you some of the poetry I wrote for Cass Carnaby. Do you like it?” 

“Scott,” Jeff said sternly, “this is not acceptable behavior for the field commander of International Rescue. You must keep your dalliances to yourself.” 

“But, Father,” Scott started and Gordon just pressed a hand to his forehead at his brother’s idiocy. 

“Don’t ‘but Father’ me!” Jeff replied, his voice raising slightly. 

“Mr. Tracy,” Tin-Tin said carefully, “would you like some coffee?” 

“Don’t try to distract me,” Jeff warned. “Are you two in this together? Are you ganging up on me?” 

“Of course not, Father,” Scott said. “Tin-Tin’s just trying to help you feel better.” 

“I don’t need any help,” Jeff said. “I’m not some old man that you have to baby. I’m a military officer! In my day, kids knew how to respect their elders. What is this world coming to?” 

“Scott didn’t mean any disrespect,” Tin-Tin assured him. 

“Tin-Tin’s right!” Scott added. “I just wanted to share my innermost feelings with you in poetic form.” 

Jeff stared off into the middle distance for a moment and the other three held their breath as they waited for Jeff to either explode or relax. 

Finally, Jeff let out a breath and his shoulders sagged as he said, 

“Alright. Who is this Cass person, anyway?” 

Scott smiled at Tin-Tin before turning to his father. 

“He’s the famous Cass Carnaby from the Cass Carnaby Five,” he explained. “And he’s gorgeous.” 

“But, the real question,” Gordon said, daring to speak now that he knew this subject couldn’t get him in trouble with his father, “is whether he’s annoying. We all remember how much stress your last boyfriend caused.” 

“I promise that he isn’t,” Tin-Tin said and Scott nodded. “Penelope chose him and I’ve met him on a few occasions. I think you’ll all approve.” 

“I sure hope so,” Jeff said, crossing his arms. 

“Daaaaaaaaad!!” Alan’s voice came from down the hall. A moment later, he ran into the lounge. 

“What is it, son?” Jeff asked wearily. 

“There’s a jet flying circles over the island.” 

“What!?” Jeff exclaimed, standing and pressing his hands empathically down on his desk. 

“They’re asking for permission to land,” Alan continued. 

“Who are they?” Gordon asked. 

“That’s where it gets worse,” Alan said. 

“Well?” Jeff asked impatiently. 

“The one in the jet – it’s Ned Cook!” 

“Ned!?” Gordon shouted. Simultaneously, Scott yelled, 

“Don’t say that name!” 

Tin-Tin, the calmest of them, asked quietly, 

“What does he want?” 

“He says he wants to win Scott back.” 

“ _Nooooo!_ ” Gordon said, putting his hands up in the air as if begging the universe for mercy. 

At that moment, Virgil walked in, looking around at the others curiously. 

“I heard shouting,” he said. “What’s going on in here?” 

“Ned is back,” Tin-Tin answered. 

“I told you not to say his name,” Scott said, crossing his arms sulkily. 

“We can’t allow him to land,” Virgil said evenly. 

“But what if he runs out of gas and crashes?” Scott asked. 

“None of that,” Virgil said firmly. “You have Cass now. You can’t entertain Ned’s overtures.” 

“And don’t forget that he dumped you!” Gordon put in. 

“But—“ Scott started. 

“NO!” Gordon and Alan shouted. 

“We must refuse his request to land,” Jeff said, putting up a hand to silence them. “That’s the end of it.” 

“Can’t I just ask him what he wants?” Scott asked. 

“ _No!_ ” they all answered. 

“Alright, alright!” Scott replied. “I’ll just leave the room and let you tell him yourself.” Without another word, Scott left the lounge. 

“That was easy,” Alan said. 

“Too easy,” Gordon added. 

“Yes,” Virgil agreed, considering. 

“He’s going to call him!” Tin-Tin realized with a gasp. 

“Oh no, he’s not!” Virgil said, racing after Scott. Gordon and Alan followed him, leaving Tin-Tin alone with Jeff. 

“They’ll catch him,” she assured him after a silent beat. 

A moment later, the sound of a tussle came from down the hall and Scott shouted, 

“You can’t stop destiny!” 

“But you said Cass was gorgeous!” Gordon shouted back. 

“That’s not enough!” Scott replied. 

“But Ned is so annoying!” Alan said. 

Their voices came progressively closer, the sound of feet scuffing the floor increasingly desperate. 

“Just let me open a channel!” Scott pleaded. 

“No.” 

Finally, a defeated Scott, held tightly by his brothers, appeared in the lounge doorway. Alan and Gordon marched him to the couch, pushing him down onto it. 

“You’re not moving until Ned is gone,” Gordon instructed. 

Scott crossed his arms moodily and said, 

“Fine.” 

“This is for your own good,” Tin-Tin said gently, sitting beside him. 

“Whatever,” Scott huffed. 

“I’m taking this call in my study,” Jeff announced, giving Scott a pointed look before leaving the lounge. 

Once Jeff was out of sight, Scott fell onto the ground and moaned, 

“Why must my life be filled with so much drama?” 

“I’m pretty sure this is all self-inflicted,” Virgil said. 

“Not true!” Scott replied, looking up at his younger brother with a grimace. 

“Aaaaaaand he’s back!” Gordon narrated. 

“So, Scott,” Alan said, “what is it like to have two guys fighting over you?” 

“I don’t know!” Scott shouted. “Why don’t you ask Tin-Tin instead?” 

“Low blow, Scott,” Virgil said disapprovingly. “You’re _very_ lucky Penelope didn’t hear you say that.” 

“Yeah, not cool,” Gordon added. “Now you’ve crossed the line. I don’t care how much drama you have in your life – there’s no reason to drag Tin-Tin into it.” 

“Where’s John when we need him?” Virgil asked no one in particular. 

“Apologize to Tin-Tin,” Gordon insisted, pulling Scott to his feet. 

“Alright, fine,” Scott answered, taking in a long breath before turning to Tin-Tin, who sat innocently on the couch. She looked at him without malice, only the slightest look of hurt in her eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Tin-Tin,” he said. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just upset.” 

“It’s alright, Scott,” she replied. “I know you’re under a lot of stress.” 

“She is too good to you,” Gordon commented. 

At that moment, they heard some yelling coming from Jeff’s study. Scott took a seat on the couch and they all held their breath, straining to listen. They couldn’t make any of the words out from their distance, but Jeff emerged from his study a minute later, rubbing a hand across his forehead as though to ward off a headache. 

“Well?” Scott asked eagerly. 

“I’ve told Ned that he is never to return to the Island,” Jeff said gruffly. “If he does, I’ll have a restraining order out on him.” 

“A restraining order? Was that really necessary?” Scott asked. 

“Yes,” everyone answered at once. 

Scott let out a long sigh, his shoulders falling. 

“I’m going to bed,” he said, standing from the couch and slouching toward the hall.


	12. Dear Jeff

John was performing regular computer checks when he came across it. 

Within minutes, he’d sent the file to all of his brothers, Tin-Tin, and Lady P. Alan, Gordon, and Scott were together in the lounge when the message came through. 

“What could this possibly be?” Gordon asked for all of them. 

They opened the file John had sent and read: 

_Dear Jeff,_

_So I really like this guy. We dated a little a few years back and now he’s back in my life again. We went on one date and it was lovely. But when our second date came around, he stood me up. He said it was a work thing but I don’t know if I should believe him._

_What should I do? How do I know if he’s interested in me or just blowing me off? Any insight into the male psyche would be greatly appreciated._

_Sincerely,_

_Stood Up_

_Dear Stood Up,_

_I’m sorry to hear about your predicament. But the solution is rather simple! I’m sure that he did indeed have a work emergency. I’m certain that he’ll write and all will be well._

_Sincerely,_

_Jeff_

Gordon burst out in a fit of laughter, pressing his fist to his mouth and as rocked back and forth on the couch. 

“Oh. My. Gosh,” Alan said. “Dad writes an advice column!” 

“And he’s horrible at it!” Gordon added between gasping laughs. Alan slapped him on the back as though it would help. 

“There are more!” Scott said, scrolling down to the next letter. 

“Read it!” Gordon ordered. Scott read it aloud: 

_Dear Jeff,_

_I was on vacation in Hawaii and I met this incredible guy. He was tall, blond, and gorgeous. He was kinder and sweeter than any man I’ve ever met._

_But it seems that he’s disappeared off the face of the planet. He said his name was Jonathan Pink but no one of that name and his description exists. I’m worried that he gave me a fake name and now I’ll never find that blond god again. What should I do? I want to marry him._

_Sincerely,_

_Abandoned_

_Dear Abandoned,_

_This is quite the predicament. You know, I have a son named John and he looks a lot like the man that you’re describing. What a funny coincidence!_

_I think the best strategy would be to wait and see what happens. He’ll write. He’ll find you._

_Sincerely,_

_Jeff_

“NO WAY!” Alan shouted, having held back his outburst until Scott had finished. 

“That is _totally_ John,” Scott said. “Remember when he took his vacation in Hawaii a few years back? And he wouldn’t let me go with him.” 

“It seems our blond god of a brother has a lot more fun than we ever get to hear about,” Gordon said. 

“And our father is a relationship advisor,” Alan added. “All the secrets in this family!” 

“How can dad be so terrible at giving advice?” Gordon asked. “Doesn’t he know that NO ONE writes letters anymore?” 

“Yeah,” Scott agreed, “that was so 60 years ago.” 

At that moment, Virgil came into the lounge. 

“Did you read John’s message?” he asked. 

“Oh, _did_ we,” Gordon answered. 

“Penelope is positively dying over it,” Virgil said. “She won’t stop messaging me about it.” 

“I’m sure she’s getting a kick out of it,” Gordon said. 

“And could anyone _not_ get a kick out it?” Virgil pointed out. “And Penelope says she agrees with the ‘blond god’ description.” 

“I _knew_ she always had a thing for John,” Gordon said. Scott rolled his eyes. 

“But my question,” Virgil started, “is: where is this getting published?” 

“And, more importantly, _why_?” Gordon added. 

“I guess some research is in order,” Virgil concluded. 

“Let’s get Jonathan Pink on it pronto,” Gordon said with a mischievous smile. 

A few minutes later, they had their answer. 

“Seventeen magazine!?!” Scott said incredulously. “But I thought they went out of business!” 

“You _would_ know that…” Gordon muttered. 

“Well, it is out of business,” Virgil clarified. 

“And we know why,” Alan said. Scott let out a long sigh and said, 

“I miss that magazine.”


End file.
